Title: Behave Yourself
Rating: PG
First Posted: July 2, 2000
Notes: A piece of flimflam funfic inspired by my son's visit tothe dentist this afternoon....this one's for you, baby!
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Feedback: Cherished. admin@florrie-fic.com
Another low groaning-growl was heard from the basement.
Cordelia sat at her desk and shook her head in annoyance. Wesley looked up from his book and asked if it were time for more pain-killers.
"There’s no point! Pain-killers won’t fix him! And besides, it's over twenty-four hours - we can’t go on feeding him drugs. Look at what happened last time he overdosed on happy pills!"
"True."
"He has to do something about it - now! Geesh, I’ve bandaged him up dozens of times and he’s never carried on like such a cry-baby." Obviously desperately concerned for her employer, Cordelia flicked on her bookmark folder and selected the one marked "Tiffany’s". So, she couldn’t afford to buy, but it was free to dream and drool. A thought struck her. She looked up with real concern. "Wesley - you don’t think he could suck himself dry do you?"
Wesley’s lips twitched at Cordelia’s choice of words. "How ironic," he murmured, "Could a vampire suicide by draining his own blood? Tempting to find out, don’t you think?"
"Better not. I don’t think I could stand the pathetic noises."
Yet another growl was heard beginning its ascent through the elevator shaft and stairwell. Cordelia picked up the phone.
"Okay," said Cordelia, watching Angel as he prowled the basement, "You have been slotted in for an emergency appointment in half an hour. You don’t go and, well, the sympathy stops here."
"Sympathy? This is sympathy," he was stunned enough to forget his pain for a real second.
"Uh-huh. You can bet your sweet dunny-roll." The pain was pushed aside once more to try and make sense of Cordelia’s statement. Damn, ever since she had started corresponding with that bloody Australian on the freaking computer she had been coming out with all sorts of weird expressions, even sending Wesley into fits of bloody laughter. Shit, he was doing it now. He was sure she had no idea what she was saying - or even if she was using the phrase in context. A damn dunny-roll?
Cordelia took his puzzled silence for non-compliance. "If you don’t go and get some help, Wesley and I are going to have a competition on how long it will take you to drink yourself dead. Just try and keep the noise down, okay. I don’t want complaints from the neighbours" Cordelia smiled sweetly and left him to his bewildered misery.
Angel was jolted into action. Before the elevator doors could close on Cordelia, Angel had caught up and slid into the cage beside her.
"Cordelia. How? I mean, how can I go to the dentist?"
He was cracking, thought Cordelia with satisfaction. "Simple. Out the front door, a couple of yards down the hall to your right and in the next door. You don’t have to worry about getting lost, I’ll be taking you there...under escort.."
"I don’t breathe. You don’t think a dentist might notice that little detail?"
"Make out you are breathing - improvise. Angel, I don’t really care, as long as you go. Anyway Dr Folger is so old he probably won’t notice. Have you ever seen his hands shake when he says ‘good-morning’?" Cordelia lowered her head, she wasn’t sure that she could keep a straight face.
The elevator grille slid open, but Angel didn’t follow Cordelia out. "His hands shake?"
"Nasty, nasty. That’s a nasty fang, boy. You should have been in here yesterday, so you should." Old Dr Folger reached around to pick up an examination mirror. Cordelia smirked an 'I told you so' at the reluctant patient. Mirror. Well, this should be fun.
"Open wide there, boy." Angel kept a wary eye on Dr Folger’s aged face. The mirror went in and out of Angel’s mouth several times, was wiped, peered at and eventually inspired several ‘humphs’. "Must keep fogging up, can’t see a darned thing. Hold your breath for a minute boy."
Angel didn’t let his eyes stray from Dr Folger’s nose. Cordelia sounded as though she were choking. Angel could only hope it were true.
"I’ll have to go fetch another mirror. Don’t move." Dr Folger shuffled out the door. Angel could finally look over at Cordelia. Nope, she was still alive. Giggling. "I’m sorry. Your face. When he said ….. hold your breath!"
"Cordelia, be quiet, he’ll hear you." Angel tugged at the paper towel attached around his neck, "I can’t do this." Cordelia sobered instantly. She leant forward and pounded her fist into the closest part of Angel - the sole of his shoe.
"Don’t you dare!" She hissed warningly. "Behave yourself!"
Angel lay back against the reclining chair once more. He had never been to a dentist, at any time during his long and inglorious life and death. The smell of the place sent shivers down his spine, as did wondering how the silvery cold instruments lined up on the tray would be used on his teeth. "Have you seen that thing over there?" Angel asked in despair. "He’s going to put that in my mouth!"
"Gee Angel, I really feel sorry for you," she said in her sugar-pie voice, "but if you move from that chair, or growl, or throw poor Dr Folger against the wall when he starts with the drill - anything, then you are truly dead. Understand? No bad boy stuff!"
Angel decided the scary looking drill and the unknown black depths of dentistry were preferable to having Cordelia’s anger directed at himself. Actually, facing the Coromal demon who had broken his tooth in the first place was a more soothing prospect. If it wasn’t that the damn tooth kept painfully tearing his own tongue open and spilling his own blood into his own mouth….ugh.
"Can’t find another. Just have to do without. Could be tricky, but I think I can see well enough." Dr Folger was back. He switched on the drill. Angel gripped the armrests with knuckle-white fingers.
"Let’s see," demanded Cordelia.
Angel obediently opened wide.
"No, no. Grrr….Vamp face. I want to see the new effect."
"I can’t just…..grrr," he objected.
"Yes, you can, I’ve seen you. Do you want me to slap you around a bit, get you in the mood?" she asked innocently.
Ahh, could he think about that one? If she only knew, he thought. Actually, just the suggestion of getting in the mood with Cordelia…
"There, I knew you could just go ‘grrr’ when you wanted." Cordelia pushed Angel back onto the chair and peered into his open mouth. She stepped back, a hand over her face, barely concealing a grin.
Angel carefully slipped a finger along the edge of the normally razor-like tooth. "Whaaa?" The canine, usually long and deadly in game face, was neatly and evenly rounded.
She was giggling, again.
"I’d love to see Angelus’ reaction to your new look!"
Angel's yellow eyes glittered. "Probably - something - like - this!" and he made a lunge for Cordelia.
Cordelia squealed in delight and held out her arms to wrap them around the sturdy shoulders as they both fell rolling on the floor. Angel tugged impatiently at the flimsy fabric covering.... Oops.
Sorry, have to leave it there. This is for my boy and he does so hate 'tits and bums stuff'.
